It was pointed out that I haven't written any blog posts for a long time, and that I should, but I don't really have time to sit down and write anything thoughtful at the moment, so I got an interview with myself instead. Here it is:
Q: How's it going?
A: Fine.
Q: Whatcha up to?
A: A few things. I was put in charge of the Mountain Rescue Association's Intermountain Region recertification this weekend a month and a half ago, and that has taken a lot of time. I'm also teaching three classes at UVU with a new text and new assignments, so I'm getting all caught up on that. And I'm working on getting all the marketing in place for my new book, This., which I would love to spend a lot more time on, and will again after this weekend. Plus a few other ongoing projects.
Q: Sounds busy. Are you stressed?
A: Not really. I've learned not to worry too much, usually, and just keep pounding things out. But it'll be nice to get back toward better balance, run, ride, and socialize more often, etc.
Q: How's the book thing coming along so far?
A: Pretty well! I guess. Everyone seems to enjoy it a lot and has good things to say. I just need to get it into a lot more hands and hope it picks up steam.
Q: Have you done anything fun lately?
A: A few things. A couple enjoyable rescues, the family reunion at Bear Lake, a few motorcycle rides in the mountains, and other little stuff.
Q: What happened to your sailboat?
A: I traded for a motorcycle. A Yamaha Fz6. I use it a lot more than the boat, and anyway, I'd rather have another zippy little Hobie Cat instead of the nice, stay-dry Catalina, though someday maybe I'll get a 35'er to take bigger groups of ppl out on.
Q: How do you like the bike?
A: It's good. The only downside is that it doesn't have enough low-end power to wheelie, but it gets great mileage and it's fun to drive zippy again. The 4Runner is nice but I have missed driving zippy little Hondas and Toyotas.
Q: How's your love life?
A: Shut up.
Q: Why?
A: I said shut up.
Q: Seriously, what's up?
A: Nothing. I go out with friends now and then, and meet new ones where I can, and I've learned to be more careful about who I let into my heart and, if it becomes clear someone doesn't belong there, to stop expecting too much from them and kick them out more quickly. So mostly my strategy now is to keep working on improving myself so better things can come my way.
Q: Heard any funny jokes lately?
A: Yeah, but I don't remember them.
Q: What's that award thing on your counter?
A: Search and Rescue gave me an "Extra Mile Award" for taking over this weekend's recert.
Q: How are your classes going?
A: Good. Good students, as always. Fun discussions.
Q: What else should I ask?
A: Anything you want.
Q: Okay...um...should I let you get back to work?
A: Yeah, sounds good.
Q: K, see ya.
A: Slater.
See that wasn’t so bad.
The new bike sounds fun, we should go riding when your life slows down a little more.
And congratulations on the “Extra Mile Award”. I hope your recertification goes well for you.
Nate
Shaun, it takes years to navigate around your guarded heart to see what truly lies within. You throw up your walls of accomplishment, abilities, and endless capacity to have fun, which are all unbelievably amazing. They dazzle the unsuspecting and blind many to what lies within…in a curiously self-sabotaging way. They bring you superficial attention but create for you an empty, lonely pedestal. You are left feeling like a sleeping man who dreams he has eaten only to wake up and find he is still hungry. The deep seeded needs of your heart, I suspect, require setting aside the walls of accomplishment, abilities, and the capacity to have fun, and facing, with humble honesty and courage the truth of your heart that you so carefully guard from others. I suspect that in a counterintuitive way, you may find the truth of your heart attracting truth in the hearts of others and the parched wells of your heart becoming satiated.
(If you delete this I totally understand…these were just my thoughts as I read this blog entry.)
Chantal, you got it half right and I appreciate the fact that you came right out and said it. I do have walls, and they do get in the way of getting what I want, and I was even thinking about this topic earlier this week, considering reconsidering how I run things, and considering being more open and vulnerable. So here goes, I’ll give it a little try here.
I don’t toss out the accomplishments with any intention to dazzle or get attention, though I understand that it may appear that way. They used to be exciting and interesting stories to share, and I looked for others with similar passions. Now they’re bland reports of something going on, something to fill the time while I wait for the really valuable accomplishments and watch for possibilities of deeper connections, and people I trust to open up to.
From there, it gets more complicated. On one hand, you might say “Just do it! Open up! Don’t worry about it! Take a chance!” On the other, I’ve sometimes been too careless about who I trust, and I don’t like getting disappointed and don’t want to keep making the same mistake, so right now I’m leaning toward being even more careful.
What it feels like from my side is that there’s a constant invitation, and I’d gladly open up to anyone who shows any sign of being interested and caring. Maybe I don’t make that invitation clear enough, but I don’t want to go on and on about it when someone really isn’t interested. Maybe I too quickly assume ppl aren’t interested when they simply don’t know what to ask or say. Maybe I too quickly assume that opening up to most people won’t do any good, and maybe I’m right.
Maybe I don’t value the trite responses or quick assumptions often made and so I don’t pursue it further then. A quick truism doesn’t change anything, I already know all the simple answers. Truth is, I’m not sure what would change anything. I assume it would be finding someone capable of comprehending what I’m trying to learn with enough patience to listen and provide some mutual support while I step up to the next level. I do have some friends like that.
I often find that ppl are often happy to be on the receiving end of a supportive relationship, but either don’t know how to handle the other side or just aren’t interested as they get on with their new-and-improved life. So I work very hard at trying to work all this out more or less on my own until I find some better solution. I can feel things changing and it feels significant, and I need less and less support or whatever it is that I need, but I have no map to judge how far away the “finish” line or any other landmark is.
Maybe I just need to learn new ways to open up and give it a try. I read someone’s blog earlier this week where the author lay it all out, all his thoughts and feelings, for the entire world, with no reservations, and I wondered what it would be like to do the same. Idk. There’s no rule that says it’s right or wrong to be a public or private person. Both ways have value. I’ve thought about this before, too – I have so many thoughts and feelings all the time, but I don’t necessarily want to throw them all out so openly on a blog. So where do I draw the line? That is the question. How open do I want to be and to whom? I don’t know, but I’ll keep considering it and figure something out worth trying. Feedback is welcome.
p.s. what is “the truth of my heart”? please explain.