I always wanted a world full of adventure, open-mindedness, exploration and discovery. I wanted to be surrounded by enthusiasm, intensity, willingness to work for a good cause, and teamwork. It didn't seem too much to ask people to be understanding, forgiving and tolerant of one another.
Many people have those traits. In fact, I work with dozens of them on a regular basis. My neighbors are fantastic people, for example, and happily serve others continually. After a big snow storm, chances are someone will walk their snowblower down the sidewalk for blocks, and others will shovel the walks of the single women and other neighbors. Adults and teenagers pitch in without even being asked. Such neighborly service is a given, and no thanks or recognition is expected.
Then there's search and rescue - 50 volunteer teammates who leave family, work, and sleep in the middle of the night, suffer cold and other discomforts, and sometimes even put their own safety on the line just to help a stranger in need. It doesn't get much better than that.
So what am I talking about? I must be talking about myself. I guess I just expected some things to work out differently, and I'm learning new perspectives and tossing out old ones that prevented better success. In trying to take on every opportunity that came my way, for example, I shunned the focus necessary for success and spread myself too thin. In all my enthusiasm, I was the one sometimes too impatient when certain others didn't catch on. That was pointless, and I apologize to those people even though they probably don't realize I'm talking about them. In trying to carry some people along, I didn't realize that people can't be carried. They have to choose and learn and act for themselves, even if they would rather be carried. In all my exploration, I missed out on some of the more valuable things that come with settling down. I must have thought that as long as you keep running, you'll eventually arrive.
Oh, well. Better late than never.
The part I'm not very happy about right now is how long it takes to learn some of these lessons. My older brother, way back in college, once told me I was too idealistic, but I didn't know what to do with that statement. I didn't see another way that looked attractive or even acceptable.
I must have started digging a tunnel toward what I thought was the solution, and just kept on digging, then digging harder and harder, expecting to strike gold, hoping to see the light, hoping to "arrive" in China, before finally realizing I was going the wrong way. There was only one end to that tunnel, and it was the entrance. Time to cut my losses, abandon the goldless mine shaft, and start over in a better direction.
I don't know exactly how to translate all this into action just yet. There are several things to reconsider. That's okay, as long as this time I get it right.
Now I think of some of my younger, super-idealistic friends and have no advice for them. I don't think they should change or give up on their ideals. They wouldn't know what else to do, and they're certain to learn plenty and have many marvelous experiences as they sprint around the world without acknowledging any limitations.
I guess I'd just tell them not to cling too tightly to any idea or value, so when the time comes to take the next step and learn the next lesson, it won't take too long. In fact, I'd tell them to be very suspicious of their most prized values, the ones they fight to defend and refuse to consider alternatives to, because those are the ones that, after serving them well, will get in their way and trip them up. At the very least, stop periodically to reconsider. Ask "Is this working for me?" and "Are there any other options I should consider?"
You always have the right words… makes me wonder… I may need to rearrange some of my priorities and rethink some things as I “sprint around the world”. 😉
I read something that reminded me of you:
“An author is either a teacher or an enchanter. A storyteller is both.”
I definitely had you in mind for that part, Elyse! But by all means sprint for as long as you feel like it. It’s such an eye-opener, such a great experience, and it will color the rest of your life in a bit brighter hue.
I wish I knew more of the context of this thought.
I do agree with you on the fact that people have to want to change themselves. There is nothing, nothing that can work as a substitute for their will power. That was my huge take home lesson from my mission. As much as I wanted to change the world, the world had to want to change itself. I can relate somewhat to the sentiments of feeling like your idealism has been taken out of you. But I don’t think it is a lack of idealism, because I am still idealistic – I am just less naive about how it all works.
I can change the world – sort of. I can control my world much more than I previously realized I could. My will power, or agency, is incredibly powerful. And I can be a catalyst to change for others where someone else’s will has already decided what direction it wants to take. I cannot give that desire to them, but I can aid that desire once it is there. I have learned a quiet but powerful reverence towards human agency. I am idealistic in the sense that I believe that this will power can change the world, but rather than the world in general, one personal world at a time.
With that in mind, I believe in your agency. I’ve always enjoyed the world you created around yourself.
To tell the truth, Chantal, I wasn’t yet clear on the context when I wrote that, either. I was having one of those bittersweet moments of integrating new concepts and shedding others, of seeing old limitations clearly for the first time as my perspective changed to something better. Letting go, even when for the better, always feels like loss.
And you’re right, I’m not giving up my determination or idealism, not completely, except to adjust what I should expect from people and myself, which is less than before, but better. The closer to reality that gets, the better it will work and the more I’ll enjoy it.
You’re also right about your will. I’m kind of amazed at what you’ve turned yourself into and the impact you must have on people around you. Good work!!!
You know, after I wrote this comment I had another thought. I was really impressed by Lance Armstrong’s book about racing the Tour de France. At first, he always gave it everything he had. And he won a lot of races that way. But in order to win the big race, he had to learn to pace himself. It was a step in his growth as a biker. If he hadn’t learned to pace himself, he never would have accomplished the greatest biking accomplishment. Clearly, his ability to push himself was an important attribute to develop, but there came a point, when to be truly great, he had to learn pacing.
I think that is analagous to life too.
Shaun! This is my first time to your website! (golly I am slow gettin’ around). But I really liked your post. I can totally see what you mean. This post had a kind of a sense of mourning to it, no? But I think it’s good when we make realizations like this. It’s sad because we feel like we spent so much time thinking/believing a certain way, only to now realize that maybe that’s not how it really is. But it’s good because now we can let it go and allow more truth to be taught to us. I think that we all have about a million of these same type of experiences to go through. 🙂 So good reminder – to not cling so tightly to any one value/belief/etc. They serve us while they serve us, but when they don’t, they don’t. (how’s THAT for profound? wow, I just amaze myself. haha)
Good reminder, Chantal. I’ve known that for a long time but it can still be tough to implement. I prefer to live the way I climb mountains – push hard and fast, then stop and look around for a moment without feeling like I should be on my way to the top *right* now. That works fine for easy mountains, but I once I passed 15,500′ on Cerro el Plomo in Chile last December, I learned that if I don’t slow waaayyyy down, I’m finished.
I’ve also learned not to expect others to go all-out even when there’s lots of exciting work to get finished and big rewards right around the corner.
Hey Candice, good to see you here! Well put. It’s not really the death of anything, is it? Just the rebirth/renewal/revision, and the change is good.
P.S. I hope you’ve been practicing Listz’s Un Susuru (sp?), ’cause I really want to hear that again next time we meet!
“I must have thought that as long as you keep running, you’ll eventually arrive.”
What does the alternative to the race look like? Is there still running involved? Can one move forward while standing still? What is forward? What is this linear concept of time of which we submit, and how does it affect our everyday choices? Is there another way of looking at time? Circular? Like the Mayans?
“Time to cut my losses, abandon the goldless mine shaft, and start over in a better direction.”
A new country altogether? Or one in which you’ve resided your entire life?
What was one of the “prized values” you hung onto past its expiration date? It would be interesting to hear an example.
I agree that there is little to be said to the super-idealistic, except to posit the idea that alternatives are available, just like you said. I remember my mother tossing me similar and more cutting zingers as that which your brother shared with you. I ruminated on them for years, fighting them and acknowledging a sliver of wisdom that came too soon for action.
Like I finally decided that my china hutch, after being used in every location of the house for every single non-traditional purpose, actually works quite well for the purpose it was intended. Dishes. In the dining room. But I’m digressing with a practical example of a very deep “prized value” I held onto for years. Maybe I would cal it non-conformity. Maybe it was a fear that conforming to tradition would thwart the forward motion of new thought, innovation, and ideas.
I smiled through this entire post, concluding the read with a sentimental flush of a few tears, then a sweep of energy for your new footing. Your virgin vista.