I don’t toss out the accomplishments with any intention to dazzle or get attention, though I understand that it may appear that way. They used to be exciting and interesting stories to share, and I looked for others with similar passions. Now they’re bland reports of something going on, something to fill the time while I wait for the really valuable accomplishments and watch for possibilities of deeper connections, and people I trust to open up to.

From there, it gets more complicated. On one hand, you might say “Just do it! Open up! Don’t worry about it! Take a chance!” On the other, I’ve sometimes been too careless about who I trust, and I don’t like getting disappointed and don’t want to keep making the same mistake, so right now I’m leaning toward being even more careful.

What it feels like from my side is that there’s a constant invitation, and I’d gladly open up to anyone who shows any sign of being interested and caring. Maybe I don’t make that invitation clear enough, but I don’t want to go on and on about it when someone really isn’t interested. Maybe I too quickly assume ppl aren’t interested when they simply don’t know what to ask or say. Maybe I too quickly assume that opening up to most people won’t do any good, and maybe I’m right.

Maybe I don’t value the trite responses or quick assumptions often made and so I don’t pursue it further then. A quick truism doesn’t change anything, I already know all the simple answers. Truth is, I’m not sure what would change anything. I assume it would be finding someone capable of comprehending what I’m trying to learn with enough patience to listen and provide some mutual support while I step up to the next level. I do have some friends like that.

I often find that ppl are often happy to be on the receiving end of a supportive relationship, but either don’t know how to handle the other side or just aren’t interested as they get on with their new-and-improved life. So I work very hard at trying to work all this out more or less on my own until I find some better solution. I can feel things changing and it feels significant, and I need less and less support or whatever it is that I need, but I have no map to judge how far away the “finish” line or any other landmark is.

Maybe I just need to learn new ways to open up and give it a try. I read someone’s blog earlier this week where the author lay it all out, all his thoughts and feelings, for the entire world, with no reservations, and I wondered what it would be like to do the same. Idk. There’s no rule that says it’s right or wrong to be a public or private person. Both ways have value. I’ve thought about this before, too – I have so many thoughts and feelings all the time, but I don’t necessarily want to throw them all out so openly on a blog. So where do I draw the line? That is the question. How open do I want to be and to whom? I don’t know, but I’ll keep considering it and figure something out worth trying. Feedback is welcome.

(If you delete this I totally understand…these were just my thoughts as I read this blog entry.)